“I have nothing to do with the Bush administration and its policies and I'm getting tired of the slanders, accusations and clearly doctored pictures that say otherwise,” God announced to reporters yesterday. He called an emergency press conference to counter recent allegations, including a story on this web site, that he made Bush president and supports the war in Iraq.
“I don’t roll dice with the universe, but I don’t rig elections either,” an irate God added. “I said, ‘Thou shalt not kill,’ and I meant it. And the Hebrew should really translate, 'Don't kill anybody under any circumstances no matter what exceptions the priests or prophets try sneak past me.’ I even reiterated that for The Onion last year but people seemed to think they were joking.”
God threatened unspecified eternal penalties to the producers of this web site if we didn’t retract the story. After negotiations he agreed to allow the story to remain if we posted this retraction. "Like anyone would believe… Oh, right, that’s why I'm calling this damn press conference.”
As to rumors that God prefers to other Presidents, for instance, Bill Clinton, God said, “I love all my children, even if they do embarrass me. Let’s face it, one was a crook, several couldn’t keep it in their pants, the others wouldn’t have but they couldn’t get it up, one was dimmer than a burned-out bulb and one makes… I mean made… him look smart. Get over it, people, and I love you too. Even when you’re as fucked-up as the President, which, let’s admit it, you are.“
Never Rush to judgment. Think for yourself.
--Joe Krank